BOUNDARIES THAT WORK
At Your Own Pace
[without blowing up your relationships, stumbling over what to say, or feeling like a doormat]
If you struggle in relationships and you're looking to to gain more self-esteem, avoid disappointment and begin to trust yourself to take care of yourself …. you already know you need boundaries
It's no secret that setting functional limits will help you to feel more ease, security and joy in your relationships at home and at work. In fact, when asked how they remained in compassion, spiritual leaders without fail said that they knew their limits. Even monks have boundaries! (Okay maybe especially monks have boundaries, right?) It can be tempting to think that taking care of others will make them happy. But then we remember that making others happy is not our responsibility. Making ourselves happy, meeting our own needs, IS. And boundaries help us do that. You know this. And yet, it's easy to get sidetracked, especially if others around us are struggling. It's okay! You're not alone!
HERE'S WHAT YOU
MIGHT NOT KNOW
-
Whatever you say "yes" to, you say "no" to something else
You're afraid to say no. But you're ALREADY saying no to plenty of things! Things you don't have time to do because of all the things you've said yes to! -
Boundaries Build Trust
If you just say yes to everything all the time, how can I trust that when you say yes to me, you really mean it? When you have boundaries, I can trust your yes, because I can trust your no. -
Your Body Keeps the Score is not just a clever title
The truth is when our boundaries are crossed a part of us (in the body) already knows and you are FEELING it even if you aren't SAYING it. This has been happening to us all our lives, starting when we were babies (we couldn't say no because we didn't have words). But we are all grown up now. We can learn to give our bodies a voice. -
Boundaries Make Secure Intimate Partnership Possible
From an attachment perspective, it is not possible to have secure intimacy without boundaries because we cannot be interdependent unless we know where we end and someone else begins. -
Boundaries Crush Imposter Syndrome
There is a vitality, a life force which is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, that expression is unique. If you block it, it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with any other expression, it is your business to keep it YOURS clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You need boundaries to do that.
Even though the reasons to create boundaries are obvious, the path to doing it successfully is anything but
Are you a doormat?
No. Obviously not. And yet...
[Part 1:]
Say for example you have a family member who keeps bringing up the past. Maybe your mom wants to talk about the toxic ex that you left five years ago (thank god!) who is now getting married to someone else. You don't want to get sucked back into the drama, but of course you're curious. Every time your mom brings it up you get off the phone and you want to eat a tub of Ben & Jerry's or swill some Vodka or, worst of all, troll your ex's Facebook page to see photos of his life and compare it to yours. You swear the next time Mom brings it up you're going to cut her off. The moment comes and you blabber on a bit about how you're trying to move forward, and she says, "Oh but I think you'll want to hear this..." and you cave.
[Part 2:]
You know you need some boundaries, you're not an idiot. The last thing you want to do is abandon yourself. But how the heck do you know if your boundaries are realistic and what words to say and what on earth to do when nobody, not even your mother (okay maybe especially not your mother) seems to respect them!? Meanwhile it's back to Ben & Jerry's or Vodka or Facebook or just feeling small and invisible and the anger grows and you know it's hurting you more than anyone else.
[Part 3:]
Change happens in the moment, and I guarantee you'll have a do-over. So when that moment comes around again, you want to be prepared. You do not have to eat even more more turd sandwich. You were made for better things. You were made for love, in fact. And boundaries are part of that. Trust and believe.
The 5 Reasons Why Most Boundaries Fail
Reason 1
You're Too Confrontational
It's difficult to receive a no. So, it's normal for others to feel a little uncomfortable when we set boundaries with them. But when we come from a place of anger because we've been saying yes when we meant no for YEARS, we're going to come off a little, eh, intense. Aggressive. Even hurtful. Your boundary needs to be kind or you could end up blowing up relationships that you care about.
Reason 2
You're Not Confrontational Enough
If you trash your own boundary before you've even finished saying it out loud, with all your "I'm sorrys" and your dithering on and second guessing yourself, you're telling them that you don't really expect them to respect your boundaries. And so they don't! Your boundary needs to be firm or you could end up abandoning yourself and building up a resentment that will hurt you as well as others.
Reason 3
Toxic People
Oh yeah, they're out there. And what in the world do we do with that? You need a formula for dealing with them that will protect you from becoming JUST LIKE THEM! Gross!
Reason 4
You Want to Be Liked
Okay we all want to be liked. But if I want to be liked so much that I lose myself in an effort to perform for others, to make them like me, to give them what I want, NO ONE WILL LIKE ME. Because they will see right through that B.S. The funny thing is that the opposite is true: what people actually want from us is our authenticity. That's what makes others feel safe-- knowing who we are and what they can expect from us. And it's also what we need for ourselves.
Reason 5
Boundaries Are Not One Size Fits All
Maybe this is obvious, but it has to be said. One person might be fine with smoking in the car, or gossip, or even sex outside of their marriage. And another person? Not so much. We each need to do the work to get clear about our own boundaries, not because someone else told us so, but because we can feel for ourselves our own edges and where we want to push and where we want to draw a line. And they change. Our boundaries at 20 may not be the same as our boundaries at 45, for example. Boundaries that come from alignment, clarity, and soul are boundaries we can honor and others will too.
Shh...I'm going to let you in on a little secret
You don't need to be taught anything new... you need to be REMINDED. You need an opportunity to finally focus on setting functional limits for your life so that you can relax and trust yourself to take care of yourself. You need a clear process that you can use right now to keep the pearls in and the pigs out. You need to know that it's actually a good sign if people are a little teensy tiny bit uncomfortable when you finally do set boundaries (their level of discomfort will indicate to what extent they have benefitted from you NOT having boundaries in the past). And you need to know you are not alone.
"I attended Dufflyn’s BATNB workshop and was blown away by her warmth, humour and seemingly effortless space-holding. She guided the participants through role play and improvisation and provided clear psych-ed content with expert delivery. Doing the workshop has made me circle round to boundaries again and as a woman in recovery I realise with self-compassion that they are foundational and possibly my life’s work to learn. I was also, through Dufflyn’s kind and strength-based coaching lens, able to see with pride the progress I have made and the wins I have had along the way. Five Stars - no matter where you are at on your boundaries journey. "
Kate, London UK
Kate Baily, author, coach and co-founder of Love Sober, London UK
"My biggest takeaway was that people can treat me however they want--a boundary is up to me to enforce instead of driving myself crazy trying to control others or get them to change. It helped me view past relationships differently & take more responsibility"
Eden, Oregon USA
Introducing
BOUNDARIES ARE THE NEW BLACK
A Workshop for Setting Functional Limits
I am a Love Coach trained in Attachment Repair, Tantra, Life Coaching and Habit Change. As you can imagine, my clients often struggle with boundaries. My personal experience as a woman with 20 years of recovery work has given me plenty of time to try out the skills in my own life as well. So I'm not just hollering from the sidelines, I'm in the arena with you.
You might feel like you "should" have boundaries nailed by now. But the truth is it is ongoing work. And we all need a space to do that work without judgement.
BOUNDARIES ARE THE NEW BLACK is the ONLY program of its kind that…
1. Will help you be firm without being too confrontational
2. Will help you be kind without being a doormat
3. Gives you a specific tool to deal with toxic people
4. Gives you a chance to see, through the workshop experience, that what people want from you is your authenticity (you'll feel it when you hear others share in the recording)
5. And most importantly provides you with the right questions in a worksheet that will help you actually walk away with clear boundaries that are in alignment for you
So by the end of this course you'll finally have functional limits and you can let go of the fear of disapproval, the fear of abandoning yourself, and trust that you know exactly what to say and how to say it.
Here's how we'll help you get there:
NTRODUCTION
Boundary Basics
In this introduction I'll tell you:
- What I mean by boundaries
- What boundaries do for us
- What happens without boundaries
- The difference between Flimsy, Rigid and Just Right boundaries
- The secret of "NO"
Module 1
Realize The Boundary
If we want to understand boundary violations, first we need to understand what they are and how we can tell if someone has crossed them, otherwise we could end up punishing others and ourselves.
Module Highlights:
In this Module I'm going to tell you:
- How to "Realize" the boundary
- Signs we need to set a boundary
- The different types of boundaries
Module 2
Communicate The Boundary
We all know communication is essential to having relationships that work for us instead of against us. Here you'll learn some techniques for lowering defenses and de-escalating conflict so that you can be both firm and kind with your boundaries.
Module Highlights:
In this Module I'm going to tell you:
- How to use Non Violent Communication
- Some of the Universal Human Needs and "Feeling Words"
- A formula for setting boundaries with toxic people
Module 3
Enforce The Boundary
And what happens when they don't listen (again)! Yes, this is the hardest part. No, it's not impossible. The funny thing is -- surprise, it's all about you! This is good news, since you can't control anyone else. This is where you get your power back.
Module Highlights:
In this Module I'm going to tell you:
- Some simple ways to check your boundaries if you feel they're not working
- Why emotional boundaries are so challenging and some key ideas/mantras to help you set them
- The "Boundary Bubble" exercise
BONUS
Interview
In this interview you'll hear Dufflyn interview Life Coach and boundaries expert Minou Hexspoor.
CONSLUSION
A few final words...
In this conclusion I will tell you:
- A few simple tips to implement your new boundaries
- How to avoid common pitfalls
- Where you can get ongoing support
Here’s what you’re getting when you enroll today:
BOUNDARIES ARE THE NEW BLACK, A Workshop For Creating Functional Limits Self Paced Online Course - 97$ Value
- Bonus Interview with Minou Hexspoor
- Bonus Content with additional tips just added!
- Invitation to HeartSpring for ongoing support
When you enroll today, you’ll get access to everything for just:
Frequently Asked Questions
What people asked before signing up for BOUNDARIES ARE THE NEW BLACK
If I've Tried to Set Boundaries Before and it Hasn't Worked, Why Should I Think Anything Will Be Different With This Course?
What If I Forget Everything You Said the Moment I Finish the Course?
What if I'm Dealing With a Narcissist?
Why Should I do This Course Instead of Reading One of the Many Popular Books Out There?
What About The Schedule?
What All is Included?
Here’s what you’re getting when you enroll today:
BOUNDARIES ARE THE NEW BLACK, A Workshop For Creating Functional Limits Self Paced Online Course - 97$ Value
- Bonus Interview with Minou Hexspoor
- Bonus Content with additional tips just added!
- Invitation to HeartSpring for ongoing support
When you enroll today, you’ll get access to everything for just:
"What I enjoyed most about the BOUNDARIES ARE THE NEW BLACK workshop was the positivity and the step by step process. I came away with a clear understanding of how to what exactly a loving boundary is. Dufflyn was fantastic and very knowledgeable I thought."
- Janique, New York, USA
“I was finally able to hear my own voice asking for what I need and ultimately helping me define my boundaries to create stronger healthier loving relationships. It was also important for me to hear other participants share their experiences and achievements."
- Evyan, Rome, Italy
"The BOUNDARIES ARE THE NEW BLACK workshop with Dufflyn was very clear, pertinent, specific and practical. I learned that most of all I need to search for my own boundaries. And I was surprised by how good I felt after!"
